


wishes (better for you)

by wayvbabey



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, Angst, F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 21:13:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28731762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wayvbabey/pseuds/wayvbabey
Summary: Standing on stage is everything you’ve dreamed of. Except in the time it’s taken you to get there, you’ve been dreaming about other things, too.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	wishes (better for you)

_-_

There’s nothing quite like performing on stage. The adrenaline fades away as you strike the final pose, music in your ears fading away and the roar of the crowd taking over. As your lungs throb for air, you can hear the words of your instructor in your ears.

_Stand straight, keep your eyes focused, control your breathing._

The camera right in front of you is still blinking red and you realise, belatedly, that you have been chosen to end the performance. It takes everything in you to stare back at the dark lens with an intense gaze while trying to control your rapidly-moving chest and resist bursting out into a smile.

Your first ever comeback- _first ever song_ -is a sultry, powerful melody, one which requires intensity and passion- not cheers and smiles, although that’s all you want to do. As soon as the light disappears and the cameraman raises his hand to signal you’re done, you drop the position and look out into the audience, trying to search for anyone- a pair of eyes, the light of a phone - _anything_ to share your joy with.

Yunah, another girl in your quartet, wraps an arm around you and waves to the audience, bathing in the attention. You follow suit whilst allowing her to move you gently off the stage, fading into the darkness where the cheering is deafened by the hustle and bustle behind the curtains. Even with that, though, all you can think about is the adrenaline, the cheers, and the thrill of finally, _finally_ debuting.

“I can’t believe we just did that.” Sandra, the leader, takes her mic off and holds her head in her hands in disbelief. 

“Do you think we did good?” Chuxia, the only foreign member of your group looks around at you all nervously. As your dream ebbs away and reality sinks in, you realise that none of you are sure where you’re supposed to be going.

“We killed it.” You tell them all firmly, right before a technician bustles past and asks you to go back to your dressing room.

Inside, Manager Oh waits for you, an older man who you’ve grown to like over the past few years of training. His smile tells you everything you need to know.

“That was perfect, girls.” He praises as the makeup artists swarm in to guide you to your seats, fixing Sandra’s hair and reapplying your chapstick. Your sweat is mopped from your brow and a water bottle placed in your hands. “You did well. Now, we have an interview in around half an hour and then another long wait before the results come in.”

You watch yourself in the mirror, resisting the urge to chew on your lip and instead unscrewing the bottle lid and taking a drink without your lips coming into contact with the bottle.

Performing was one thing but to actually be on stage with other idols? The thought made you want to curl into a ball and hide your face. The performers you were up against were crowd favourites, not rookies like you.

To make matters worse, the television screen in the corner of the room catches your eye, the very same one Manager Oh had used to watch you perform. On it is a familiar face.

Lee Donghyuck pops on the screen, clad in a forest green cashmere sweater and brown slacks with well-known singer Hyejung next to him in matching attire.

Your breath catches in your throat as you watch the MCs for the event. Even though your outfits probably cost more than your apartment building and even though your makeup blurs any imperfections on your face, achieving the beauty of Haechan and Hyejung seems near impossible. The thought has you chewing on your cheek and the stylist chastises you with a tap to your chin with her blending brush.

There’s a prickling feeling unfurling in your chest as you watch the two of them interact. Something spiky and self-destructive that wants you to take the car back to your dorm. Their chemistry is so natural, cue cards forgotten as they joke with each other, acting as if they’re in another world. You can hardly believe they are so close by.

Next to you, Chuxia follows your gaze.

“It’s hard to believe we’re in the same building as Haechan, right Y/N?”

You blink, turning back to her. “Yeah. Crazy.”

“I can’t believe he’s here.” She continues lowly. It occurs to you that, even though Chuxia has had lots of stage training and has been a trainee for longer than all of you, she is still in awe of the other performers. This is new to her, too, even if she’s slouched in her chair like she’s done this a hundred times. “I used to watch his group perform every weekend on television back home. I even went to one of his solo concerts.”

“That’s crazy,” you admit, because it honestly is. You can’t imagine Chuxia as a fangirl. “You should ask for his autograph.”

“No way.” Chuxia giggles, raising a hand to cover her mouth. “I’d be too scared.”

-

Two years ago, Lee Donghyuck finds you rehearsing late into the night in the company practice rooms and enters, kissing you so hard that he backs you up against the mirrors and traps you in his arms.

This continues for a while, no sound except for the two of you, and when you crack open an eye to watch the door Donghyuck places a hand on your cheekbone and guides your attention back to him, unwilling to have you distracted for even a second.

“What was that for?” You mutter breathlessly when you finally break away, stealing another glance at the door. You are sweaty and flushed thanks to your multiple run-throughs of your routine, while Donghyuck is clad in black leather and stinks of that expensive cologne of his. Evidently, he’s just arrived in the building.

He shrugs nonchalantly while his hands betray his true feelings, coming up to ghost over your lips. He looks at your flushed face as if you were a masterpiece, something that has you biting down a smile.

“I missed you.” He finally admits.

You laugh at that, a wide smile blooming on your face. “What, was your tour of Asia not enough to keep you occupied?”

“Shut up,” he gripes playfully, rolling his eyes and then pressing a kiss to your forehead and smoothing out your flyaway strands of dark hair. The company, after running you through multiple camera tests, had wanted to try a different colour on you. “This colour is nice.”

“It burnt so badly.” You admit. “I thought my scalp was going to fall off.”

He giggles at your honesty. “You get used to it, I promise. What are you practicing?”

If someone had told you, when you’d first entered the company, that you would be comfortable with Lee Donghyuck, dancer extraordinaire and top idol watching you dance, you would have laughed in their face.

But now you shrug, taking one of his hands in yours and swinging it from side to side. “Evaluations are next week and we’re doing a full song and dance. I need to get some practice in.”

He frowns, lacing his fingers with yours. “Show me.”

You do, albeit clumsily since there’s no music. The last thing you want to do is draw attention to the room so you resign yourself to dancing in silence, counting out every beat in your head. 

As you twist and turn, writhe and flex, Donghyuck watches, saying nothing until you come to a stop in your final position, chest heaving. Then, he gives a slow round of applause, walking forwards.

“You look like you just took a shit.”

Breaking character, you turn to glare at him in disbelief. “Donghyuck! I was trying so hard!”

“Then you need to _relax._ Especially your facial expressions.” He’s still smiling from your reaction as he takes your face in his hands, smoothing out the lines that run on your forehead and at the sides of your mouth. “Apart from that it was really good. You should go grab a meal or something and get some rest. You’ll do fine.”

He frowns as the lines reappear on your face.

“We’re all on a diet.” You scowl. “I can only have water until tomorrow morning.”

“Really? Damn,” he curses, “they have you trainees on really tight leashes now, huh?”

“Unfortunately.” You look down before an idea pops into your head. “Hey, if I do well on Sunday, will you buy me a meal?”

“You-” he flicks your forehead. “Ugh, fine. You better place in the top five though. Don’t make me lose any sleep.”

-

“These are the questions that will be asked in the interview.” Manager Oh hands you all cards. “You’ll go in order: Sandra, Chuxia, Yunah, and then Y/N. You need to memorise these and deliver the lines accordingly. Don’t go off-script, okay? There’s no time for that.”

You chorus back a ‘yes’ to him while the final touches to your makeup are made. As you look down at your small card you see two things: a question and an answer.

_Q: What did you look forward to about debuting the most?_

_A: Showcasing our lethal charm and talent! We’re very excited to show our amazing fans our performances so please stay tuned!_

“What did you get?” Chuxia asks. You show her your card and in return, she flashes hers, which asks her to describe your song and concept for the viewers.

“I thought these would be a lot more real.” She confesses, glancing over to Manager Oh.

“Everything here is scripted.” You laugh, gesturing around. “The only time we have any control is on stage.”

“Well,“ Chuxia pulls a face, though it does nothing to mar her exceptional beauty. “I guess we’ll have to get used to it.“

-

One night, you manage to sneak out for more than just a few minutes. You tell the manager you’re just going to get some female products from the store and surprisingly, she lets you go.

In reality, you can’t take it anymore. Your craving for something sweet has left you determined to eat as much as you can no matter what the consequences are.

As you speed down the sidewalk, head down low and hands shoved in your hoodie, someone grabs your arm and swings you around so you’re dragged into a little side alley. You’re far too angry to be surprised- which is what you _should_ be, but Donghyuck silences your upcoming rant as he shoves a lollipop into your mouth.

The sweet tang of strawberry is a godsend and Donghyuck watches in amusement as your anger dissipates, rolling off your shoulders as your hand comes up to grab the stick.

“You shouldn’t be here.” You glance out at the main street. Recently, Donghyuck has been swamped. His past achievements in his idol group have meant his solo album has soared to the top of the charts with so much success not even the logistics of the company could have predicted it. Instead of meeting him for late-night dance practices you now watch him as he jumps from Korea to Shanghai, Osaka to Bangkok, to give interviews and performances. Time with him now is a luxury and you’re all too familiar with the phrase 'the bigger they are, the harder they fall’. You’d rather not see him for a thousand years than compromise his future.

Donghyuck follows your gaze and then drops a kiss to your forehead. “I don’t care. I have three days here until I have to go abroad again and I want to spend it with you for as long as I can.”

“I know.” You hand curls around his jacket which smells of some different fragrance, something expensive and exotic. “I missed you too. Training is so hard, but they’re saying I’m ready to debut soon, thank god.”

“Don’t say that.” He grins down at you, hand playing with the collar of your hoodie, passing the fabric through his fingers but unwilling to let go fully. “You think it’s stresful now? Wait until you debut. You’ll be busy.”

“But at least the consequences won’t be as severe.” You reason. At first, when you and Donghyuck were just exchanging knowing glances and lingering touches, it was obvious you were both terrified of ruining each other’s careers. Donghyuck, an already-popular idol, would recover, but it would be at the expense of you, a nobody and a liability.

_“This has to be a secret.” He had said to you one evening, after sneaking in a practice room and hiding the two of you behind the speakers. “No-one can know.”_

All this time later, and _still_ no-one knows, not even your closest friends.

“We won’t be able to go public, probably for years.” Donghyuck tries to deliver the blow as gently as possible. “It’s just…”

He doesn’t finish the sentence, cutting off with a sigh and shifting just that tiny bit closer, a telltale sign that has you drawing your arms around him so his head can drop onto your shoulder, and with it- his exhaustion.

“I know.” You pat his back, pushing the lollipop to the other side of your cheek so you can rest your head against his. The words are unspoken. _I wish I could do better for you._

\- 

“Okay ladies, let’s go.” Manager Oh ushers you down the hallway, albeit in a quieter voice because Sandra is filming something for your behind-the-scenes vlog that will be airing on Youtube. As if on cue, she finishes up her filming and pauses the video just as a member of your team comes to take the camera from her.

“Do you remember your questions and answers?” He asks. The rest of you chorus back your affirmatives as if he hadn’t just heard you practising on each other for the remainder of your times in the makeup chairs. It suddenly occurs to you that Manager Oh might be nervous, too, judging by the way he wrings his hands every so often.

“Right, so this will be pre-recorded and viewed tomorrow, right before your performance. From my understanding it’ll be this, then a break, then your performance, so after this we can head home and you’re done for the day.” Manager Oh walks briskly, briefing you all as he does so. “They’ll arrange you on-set and then the hosts will come and interview you. Remember that Haechan is from our company so we want to be making great first impressions.”

None of you reply and Manager Oh doesn’t seem to wait for one because he takes the lead, signalling to someone in the hallway, who gestures to a door and hurries to open it for you.

It leads onto the set, a small box shape with only three walls, a background and two sides, while the front is littered with cameras and technicians. Manager Oh peels off to the side, greeting someone with a headset. For you and the others, a lady comes and begins to direct you to where to stand.

The next fifteen minutes are tediously long. Hair is set into place, you are told where to stand, how to smile, what to do with your hands, and that’s all before the camera tests happen. By the time one of the doors open and a small group moves into the room you’re far gone, ready for this whole thing to be over so you can head home. You’re grateful, of course, but the bright lights are beginning to melt your makeup and every time Chuxia accidentally bumps into you it’s as if she’s punched you in the arm.

“Oh my goodness,” Yunah murmurs. “Look.”

Your heads turn in sync to where she’s gazing and see the two hosts, Haechan and Hyejung, who have just stepped into the room.

Donghyuck looks almost the same as he did all those months ago. He’s tall, easy to spot through the crowd of staff and you’re able to turn your head away before anyone notices your staring.

It’s drilled into your mind to be professional. Your dream is happening right in front of you and you have no room for error, so you engage in a conversation with Sandra to try and preoccupy yourself. The annoyance of the bright lights fades away as you focus on getting your nerves under control, pushing down the butterflies in your stomach.

"Okay.” Your distraction is shattered by the sound of the director. As you look around, Hyejung is to your right and Donghyuck to your left, so close to you yet you’re only graced with his side profile. The urge to get a good look at his face is suddenly so strong it hits you like a sucker punch.

Does he even recognise you? Even if he did, what did you expect to happen in front of all these people? Some petty, base part of you wants him to at least acknowledge you, at least assure you that your relationship was real, but the presence of your members next to you reminds you of what you are and what you need to do today. Still, you can’t look away.

Up close you can see the foundation that coats his face and dips down towards his collar, merging with that natural tan colour of his skin. The lights shine on his face but the powder keeps any oiliness at bay, and his beautiful brown eyes are enhanced by a light sheen of chestnut eyeshadow over the eyelids. You are aware you’ve now been staring for too long but you can’t bring yourself to care.

The sound of the 'action’ is the only thing that snaps you back to reality.

“Welcome to the Music Bank!” Hyejung chirps. Your smile snaps into place as you stare into the camera, trying to give off the vibes of an eager, fresh-faced young girl. “Today we’re celebrating a very special stage.”

“Yes,” Donghyuck fills in for her and it takes everything in you not to look over at him again. “We’re here with the new group LOVE-ONE! Please introduce yourself!”

Sandra leads the greeting and you all bow low, before raising with smiles and waves.

“So, Sandra,” Hyejung turns to her and with a quick glance down at her cue card, rattles of the question. “What kind of stage will you show us today?”

“We’ll be bringing a powerful yet feminine performance for our debut stage,” she smiles to the camera. “It will truly show our talents.”

“Woah, amazing.” Donghyuck marvels. “And Chuxia, how do you feel now you are finally here?”

“We’re so excited and eager to perform well,” she beams from next to you. “It’s surreal to be finally debuting but we are prepared to give it everything we’ve got.”

“It sounds amazing!” Hyejung chirps, smiling at her before moving on. “And Yunah, can you describe the song and concept you’re performing today.”

“Yes!” Yunah grins at the camera. “Our debut song, _Kisses_ , is about taking control in a relationship and trying to show your partner the very best aspect of yourself. Our concept is all about feeling good and loved, so we hope fans will listen to it a lot!”

“Wow, what a debut song.” Donghyuck shakes his head in perfectly practised awe. “And Y/N, what did you look forward to about debuting the most?”

Your eyes meet for the first time in a long time, and your mouth opens to give your answer.

-

“Okay, Miss Y/N.” Donghyuck puts on an exaggerated broadcasters voice. “Why do you want to debut?”

You giggle into your bag of potato chips, still nestled in your hoodie where they had been sneakily hidden from the security guard earlier.

“To finally be able to stand on the same stage as my boyfriend.” You poke your tongue out at him before crunching down on some more snacks. “To finally be able to be seen with him in public, even from a distance.”

-

“I would say…” You pause for a moment. “Showcasing our lethal charm and talent! We are so excited to show our amazing fans our performances, which will only get better and better, so please anticipate us!”

The girls press their hands together and clap gently with big smiles on their faces while Donghyuck pulls the mic away, swiftly looking back at the camera.

“There you go, dear audiences! The much-anticipated debut of LOVE-ONE is going to hit our stage very soon, so make sure to tune into that!”

“We’ll take a short break now,” Hyejung takes over smoothly, flashing an eye-smile at the camera. “So please stay tuned! This is-”

“ _Music_ -” Donghyuck joins in.

“ _Bank!_ ” And they end it together with cheery expressions. The camera pans out to your big smiles and waves before the light flickers off. Someone yells 'cut’ and makeup artists come flooding on, attending to Donghyuck and Hyejung while your manager beckons you.

All you can do is cast one last glance at Donghyuck, before duty calls and you are whisked away back to the waiting room.

“Well done,“ Chuxia moves over to stand beside you and squeezes your hand. It does nothing to soothe your emptiness.

-

The phone lies slack in your hand as you stare at your television. While your eyes are fixed on the moving figures on-screen, your mind is elsewhere, weighed down by your mobile. You want to throw it, hurl it at the wall or, at the very least, put it on the coffee table.

But you can’t. It sits in your grasp, immobile, just like you. Now it’s the only connection you have to Donghyuck.

**Hyuck <3:**   
_I’m sorry I can’t do this in person, but we can’t be together anymore.  
  
_

Your stolen moments in the practice rooms have turned into bitter fights. Donghyuck has missed your birthday, missed coming to see you, been out of the country for most of the time. His face in your memory is like the one you see at an art gallery: the outline is there but the details are something you can never quite fill in.

**Hyuck <3:**   
_I’m sorry for wasting your time. It’s better for both of us if we just end this now. You have your whole future ahead of you and deserve someone who has you as their number one priority._

Donghyuck’s new single, currently number one on all charts, Asia through to the West, plays on your screen. He slides around with the dancer and pulls off his sharp moves with experienced ease. All while singing live.

You can’t take your eyes off him. Even though they are red and raw and begging to be closed, with tears clinging to your cheeks, he’s the only thing you want to watch. With him in your gaze and his number locked up tight in your phone, it’s almost as if he’s here with you now. It’s the only reminder you have that he was once yours. Not the world’s, not the fan’s, not the company’s. _Yours_.

Donghyuck on the screen looks calm, composed, and lively. Although you know all too well that it’s just a mask he’s wearing for the performance, you want to punch a hole right through your television for making you feel so low and acting so chipper right after. For swinging into your life and then leaving you to deal with the consequences.

-

As expected, you lose at the Music Bank.

It’s by a substantial amount to an older group, who turn to bow at you as soon as the results are in. Your group return the gesture before you all make your way off the stage. Donghyuck stays in place with Hyejung and the winners, ready to hand them their trophy while the winning single plays overhead.

“Honestly,” Yunah chats in your ear as you head into the wings. “I’m just happy we were actually competing. That means the song’s done well.”

The song _has_ done well, as Manager Oh and the other staff clamour to tell you. No-one is fussed by your loss; rookies hardly ever win and as the weeks go by you will have a higher chance of success. All that’s left for you to do now is go home, have a bath and a nap, and then return to the dance studio to practice with the backup dancers.

“We have five minutes!” Manager Oh calls out as you begin to try and find your things. Reenah, a backup dancer, passes you your phone just as a knock sounds on the dressing room door. 

“Ah, Haechan!” You whip your head around to see the senior idol standing at the door with a smile.

“I just wanted to see my juniors off.” He smiles at your manager before facing you all. His eyes catch yours and linger. The action is so bold you whip your head down and pretend to be typing on your phone while your cheeks burn hot, ears still clinging onto his voice. “I thought you all did really well today. It was as if you were professionals.”

Like clockwork, the four of you bow and chorus your thank-you’s, although you refuse to meet Donghyuck’s eyes. As the ice is broken everyone gets back to work, unconcerned by the fact that Donghyuck is still not left.

“Y/N,” he calls out for you as you are packing your bag. “Do you need me to show you how to speed things up a little?”

The offer is innocent enough but you jerk back, eyes widening and flickering to the others in the room, concerned.

Manager Oh casts a glance up, unbothered, before waving a hand. “Thank you so much, Haechan. You can use the table by the dressers if that’s easier.”

“Sure.” Donghyuck takes the lead and picks up the bag, leaving you with no choice but to follow him. The dressers have no-one nearby (with the makeup artists having finished up when you were receiving the results) which means it’s the most secluded area in the room.

Donghyuck places your bag down before gingerly starting to unpack your stuff. You take the lead, and his eyes meet yours just as you’ve grabbed the first item.

“Hi.” He murmurs.

You glance up to look at him, feeling oddly shy. You’ve never seen him in a place like this before, with so much makeup and glamour. It’s as if you’re meeting him again for the first time.

“Hi.” You whisper back.

The tension smooths out of his shoulders and he clears his throat. You quickly realise that perhaps Donghyuck is just as nervous as you are and oddly, the thought brings a smile to your face, one you’re quick to hide.

“I can’t believe you’ve debuted.” He continues tenderly, as if he’s walking on eggshells. “I’m… really proud. Honestly.”

“Thanks,” you reply, taking out your hoodie and beginning to fold it properly. “You look good. Like, healthy, I mean.”

“I’m doing better.” He continues the flow of the conversation, putting your headphones to the side. “Things have calmed down. I’ve told them to relax my schedule.”

“That’s good to hear,” you say, and you mean it. An odd part of you seems to relax upon hearing his words, despite all that’s happened between you. The very fact he’s taking care of himself seems to simmer any nerves bubbling inside you, as if an ache in your bones has finally been soothed.

“I can’t believe you’re an idol now.” He shakes his head with a smile. “It only took, what? Five years.”

“Give or take a few.” You find yourself smiling too. “Almost got kicked out a few times.”

“At least you sorted out your facial expressions.” He pulls a face and you giggle despite yourself. “Those were a _nightmare_.”

“You don’t need to remind me. I was ending fairy today.”

“I know,” his smile grows as if he’s imagining it. “I saw. You looked beautiful- you _look_ beautiful.”

The words are heavy in the air as Donghyuck seems to realise what he’s said and you both return to silence. You slide your hoodie into the bag along with some other items and he places your headphones on top, ready to be used for the journey back.

“I mean it,” his hand catches yours as you reach for the zip. “You’re beautiful, Y/N. You… you’re just amazing.”

A bittersweet smile makes its way onto your face as you bite your lip. “Finally on the same stage as you now.”

“You are.” He repeats. “I-”

He’s cut off by a shout from Manager Oh and his hand lets go of you as if he’s been burnt. The two of you twist your heads and see you’re being called.

Donghyuck takes the zipper from you and closes your bag, pushing it towards you. But as you go to take it you’re stopped but his hand, unwilling to let go.

“I love you and I swear I never stopped.” His gaze meets yours, so intense you almost want to shy away, but you’re drinking up his features like a long drink of water. “I need to to know that.”

Then he’s gone, leaving you with the faint scent of his oh-so-familiar cologne and the yearning feeling of _what now?_

_-_


End file.
